So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
