I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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