I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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