Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize