Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
