im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
