Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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