just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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