i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
