You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
