Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
