I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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