Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
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