ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize