Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
