We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
