i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I look better un-naked...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize