were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i barfeds in our rink
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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