WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm like, not good at living.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
