I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize