you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
