Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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