I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my poor anus
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
