so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
is wine microwaveable?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm always down for nudity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
