it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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