Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
