I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
