i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
