I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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