I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
