it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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