i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
