We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Define "chronic" masturbator.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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