An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize