Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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