Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
