bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
