She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
