life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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