she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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