You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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