last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
