I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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