i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
