good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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