I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
