I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
