i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
