I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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