My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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