look no pants
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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