What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
