Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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