I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's blow job season.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
