Just fell off a train. Bad.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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