Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
