i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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