why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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